I took a yoga class last night after a year-long absence from the tradition. I never excelled at it before, but last night I was especially terrible. Half of the time I reverted to child’s pose and the other half was spent trying not to fart. During chair pose, or Utkatasana – which is Sanskrit for bend your knees and stick out your ass as far as you can without falling over – the instructor told me to “go deeper” and I told the instructor that that was all the “utkatas” I could “ana”.
What I think I look like during yoga
What I actually look like during yoga
While browsing the Internet for Disney-princess themed quizzes, I StumbleUpon.com’d my way to wikiHow’s “How to Become the Prettiest Girl in School.”
“What’s this? There are steps?”
For a brief moment, I felt like I had just discovered the fountain of youth. Who doesn’t want to be the prettiest girl in school?!
Then I remembered I don’t go to school. And I’m not in college. And I’m 28. But I read on hoping to learn the secret to eternal beauty and adoration.
By the fourth secret, I was less eager.
“4. Be yourself! Don’t act fake and be nice to the people around you, but don’t be rude either. Being someone well liked at high school means that you’re loved by all. So always have a smile on your face!”
I pictured the author as a 48-year-old man in Lithuania, wearing a dirty wife beater and boxer shorts, surrounded by stray cats. Maybe he had always dreamed of being a writer, but settled for editing a wikiHow article after watching a few episodes of Gossip Girl.
It got worse.
“6. Don’t wear a lot of makeup. Save that for the many parties you’ll be invited to now that you’re popular! You will only need the basic stuff: Concealer (Get something non-comedogenic, so you won’t breakout even more, I would recommend brands such as Yves Saint Laurent, Bobbi Brown, Nars, or Mac. (Personally, Nars is the best place to go for makeup because they will find the foundation and concealer that makes your skin looks FLAWLESS!). For foundation or blush, go to a professional makeup counter to find the right color, because the wrong kind of color can make your face look dirty and tired. For mascara try Covergirl’s last blast. For lip gloss try Sephora, YSL Golden Gloss, or Lancome’s Juicy tubes. For some light eye makeup, such as a bit of black charcoal liner, and for a very light base color to make your eyes stand out even more, try Bobbi Brown! If you’re going out, you can always experiment with smoky eyes, or a bold color of eye liner. Hey sexy!”
I don’t know about you, but concealer, foundation, blush, lip gloss, and eye liner is a lot of makeup. Maybe not according to Dovydas and his cats, but it is to me.
And the Pièce de résistance: “16. Don’t sit at the same lunch table every day.”
“Try to talk to people you haven’t met because being popular means knowing lots of people and being liked by mostly everyone. Start with a simple compliment like “Hey, I love your hair! How did you get it so shiny?” Also, make your locker stand out from the rest. It’ll make people stop by and maybe ask to use your mirror. It gives you a chance to talk to someone new.”
Lizzie McGuire called, she wants her pom-pom scrunchies and mythical concept of high school back.
I was getting my swell on at the gym the other day when I took the opportunity to browse through some complimentary reading material. Intellectually I understand that magazines like Us Weekly and OK! Magazine reduce women to 2-dimensional caricatures of themselves, placing an emphasis on unattainable standards of beauty, but I really like looking at the pictures. I was particularly taken with InStyle because Britney Jean was on the cover and as a former TRL disciple, I felt drawn to her, like 90′s boyband, LFO to Summertime Girls.
What struck me most was not her perfectly airbrushed figure, but the lame cover stories. I’ve always known that there aren’t 150 ways to please your man in bed as Cosmo claims there to be. Realistically, I’d say there’s like 5, maybe 6 – tops, and there’s a common denominator in all of them. But when I gazed upon Brit Brit’s flawless Photoshopped face, I was too distracted by the text to her right, professing “her most candid interview ever,” to properly admire her.
“Most candid interview ever? How do they know…have they read all her interviews?” I thought. InStyle’s declaration seemed suspect and I was going to get to the bottom of it.
Half of the story is written from the interviewer’s point of view while she waits for Ms. Jean to finish up rehearsals at a Los Angeles dance studio for her upcoming 2-year stint in Vegas. The rest of the article is comprised of pre-screened questions from fans around the country. Spears revealed she writes most of her own tweets, she would like to have a baby girl in a couple of years, she’s had lip injections, she finds boxing empowering and she thinks her arms are the best part of her body.
Not convinced that this was truly her most candid interview ever, I investigated the rest of the cover stories and found them wanting. To save you the time and trouble of reading each one, I have taken out the mystery and summed up the answers for you below.
I have an exceptionally addictive personality. By happy chance, all my vices are legal, which affords me very little street cred. I’ve been using nasal spray for more than half my life and I’m addicted to Diet Coke, but one habit I haven’t been able to kick is making sweeping declarations in the way of personal growth and empowerment, which is where the Diet Coke comes in.
I started drinking Diet Coke in 2010 when I was trying to get off Wawa Iced Tea, the nectar of the Gods. Unfortunately, the nectar of the Gods isn’t available in Maine and contains 1,000,000 grams of sugar, so I had to find a surrogate.
Diet Coke became my drug of choice.
My Cokeaine addiction kicked in high gear with the advent of McDonald’s $1 drink promotion. As soon as my friend Savannah and I arrived at work, we went right back out to get our morning fix. We christened the occasion “Soday” and Soday was everyday.
After saturating my blood stream with aspartame for more than three years, I’ve decided to give it up, if not for my health, then for my dental bill.
Ditching Diet Coke is worse than breaking up with a boyfriend, because you still crave Diet Coke after it’s gone. Which is why I’ve decided to write an open letter to the brown bubbly to find some closure.
Dear Diet Coke,
I’ve loved you for a long time. When I broke things off with Wawa Iced tea you were there for me.
The thing is, I think you’re making me fat. I know you’re zero calories but anything that can strip corrosion off a car battery can’t be good for my health. It’s not me, it’s you. I feel like we’ve grown apart in the last year. I’m pretty sure you ruined my teeth. My dentist is thrilled.
I’ve already started seeing someone else and its name is herbal tea.
P.S. We’ll always have mixed drinks.